S1.E3: The King's Council

Gravedeath loses a battle against his own attention span and his council members discuss the benefits of CBD and melatonin

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Gravedeath: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.

Master of Coin: Nobody really knows what he does, but it’s a cool-sounding title.

Irrelevant Council-Members 1, 2, and 3: No need to describe them, you’ll forget they existed soon enough anyway.

King’s Advisor: Proud holder of the most stressful job in the realm.

Narrator: Your classic omniscient guide to the adventure.

Audience: That’s you!

INT. DOOMVEIL — ROYAL PALACE OF THE KING — KING’S COUNCIL MEETING

The MEMBERS OF THE COUNCIL are discussing Important Political And Economic Issues while LORD GRAVEDEATH wages an epic battle against his own attention span.

KING’S ADVISOR

My Lord, the representative from the East has requested aid from His Majesty in the form of seventeen wagons of hay to feed their starving livestock after being ransacked by vandals.

GRAVEDEATH

Huh? I think I was asleep.

KING’S ADVISOR

No, My Lord, your mind was simply resting. Perfectly understandable after such a long day.

GRAVEDEATH

Oh. Fine, then! Send seventeen Eastmen to HayWagon to feed the ransacked vandals.

GRAVEDEATH twirls his hand magnanimously, then falls back asleep. THE GRAND COUNCIL experiences several moments of awkward silence, then decides to move on.

IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMEBER 1

Now that we’ve established the existence of Politics and Economics in this world, we can move on to the actual plot of the story.

IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMBER 2

I strongly disagree with IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMBER 1 because I only have two lines and I’ll be damned if I don’t use them to escalate tension!

IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMEBER 1

You’ve said nothing particularly offensive to me and yet you’ve whipped the froth of my emotions into a blind rage. I will beat your firstborn to death with an unripe avocado.

IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMEBER 3

Friends, please. We got the AUDIENCE to pay attention again, now we can get back to the plot.

IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMEBER 1 and IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMBER 2

We have settled our differences and are no longer upset.

MASTER OF COIN

I’ve just arrived late in order to show that not everyone here is an IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMBER. My Lord, your search for the Object Of Great Power is costing the realm precious resources that it cannot afford to spare. And by precious resources I mean money.

GRAVEDEATH

I’m awake. What’s happening?

MASTER OF COIN

You’re driving the kingdom to ruin, My Lord.

GRAVEDEATH

Is that good?

MASTER OF COIN

No, that’s bad.

GRAVEDEATH

Then that’s good. I am evil and bad is good. Why haven’t you fools found my Object of Great Power yet?

KING’S ADVISOR

It’s hidden in A Very Hard To Find Location and according to legend it can only be touched by one who is Pure of Heart.

GRAVEDEATH

That is definitely not me, but I will continue pursuing it until the bitter end, otherwise it would ruin The Plot. And what of the boy?

KING’S ADVISOR

The boy who is prophesied to destroy you and restore peace to the realm, My Lord?

GRAVEDEATH

Yes, him.

KING’S ADVISOR

Your IMPERIAL SOLDIERS were sent to capture him this morning.

GRAVEDEATH

Empirical Soldiers. Good. Hopefully there is not a Surprise Ambush.

AUDIENCE

Look at these Small Men worrying over an event we know already happened. The gift of foresight is intoxicating.

KING’S ADVISOR

Will there be anything else, My Lord?

MASTER OF COIN

I think he fell asleep again.

KING’S ADVISOR

Maybe he’s not sleeping enough during the night.

MASTER OF COIN

I used to suffer from insomnia. Then the apothecary gave me these gelatinous little candies shaped like bears. I take one before bed and I sleep like a baby.

KING’S ADVISOR

Have we even discovered CBD yet? Do we even know what Melatonin is?

MASTER OF COIN

He told me not to take too many or it might make me feel like I am in a very tall place.

AUDIENCE

There’s no way this conversation is relevant to the plot.

IRRELEVANT COUNCILMEMBER 2

I strongly disagree with the AUDIENCE!

AUDIENCE

We’ll gut you, you vile, fourth-wall-breaking bastard!

NARRATOR

End scene! End scene!

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