S1.E8: Miracle Max

Bigheart and Blizzard waste valuable time discussing each other's flaws while the clock ticks on their survival. Miracle Max arrives too early to her job as last minute savior.

You’re reading Adventure Story, a loving parody of the fantasy genre. Don’t know where to start? Click here.

Adventure Story: Start Here

Bigheart: Young and handsome, he is about to discover that his compulsion for Doing The Right Thing is in direct contradiction to his core belief I Am Not A Hero. Spoiler alert: he’s the hero.

Michael and Nichael: Identical twins with witty tongues and an uncanny talent for providing comedic relief right when the audience might be in in danger of losing interest.

Lilly: She’s here to say clever quips — and to make Bigheart sexually frustrated

Blizzard the Wizard: He’s only as powerful as you believe him to be. So not very powerful.

Miracle Max: She’s a last-minute savior with a punctuality problem. That’s going to be an issue in her line of work.

Lothki: A devious trickster suffering from severe burnout.

EXT. THE DEEP, DARK WOODS, MORE SPECIFICALLY THE SWAMP OF SLOW DEATH

BLIZZARD

I always wondered why they called it quicksand, but now my heart is beating so fast.

LILLY

It’s not quicksand, Blizzard, it’s a swamp.

BIGHEART

Whatever it is, it’s almost up to my waist. Why didn’t we listen to Lothki? We’ll need a miracle to get out of this one.

NARRATOR

Suddenly there is movement in the middle of the swamp.

BLIZZARD

Who goes there? Be you man or beast, speak and make your presence known!

MAX

Woman, actually. I’m Miracle Max. You can just call me Max. I’m the one who is supposed to save you and improbably snatch you from the jaws of death.

BIGHEART

What do you mean, “supposed to?” If you’re supposed to save us, what are you doing in here too?

MAX

I, uh, got here early.

LILLY

Are you supposed to be inside the actual swamp sinking with us?

MAX

Well, to be honest, no. Usually the one doing the saving isn’t, uh, also stuck in the trap.

BIGHEART

How does it usually go?

MAX

Well usually I swing in on a vine and grab you when only your arm is sticking out and you’ve almost run out of oxygen.

LILLY

Do you always wait until the very last second like that?

MAX

Lothki says it makes it more exciting for you.

BIGHEART

Wait, so Lothki tricks people into wading into the swamp and then has you save them at the last minute? Why?

MAX

Don’t know, don’t care. I just do what I’m told.

LILLY

Does he pay you to do this?

MAX

Sometimes he gives me a berry. Once half an apple.

BLIZZARD

You see, Bigheart? Next time you feel bad about yourself just remember that this woman risks her life daily for the chance at some fruit.

MAX

When you put it that way it kind of makes me feel foolish.

BLIZZARD

Bigheart suffers from extreme insecurity, poor lad. He tries to mask it by being a hero.

BIGHEART

I’m not a hero and I’m not insecure, can we focus on how to get out of here please? I’m almost up to my neck.

BLIZZARD

That’s his way of saying he’s deeply affected. Suffocated, almost.

BIGHEART

No, Blizzard, it’s my way of saying I’m literally sinking up to my neck in sludge right now.

BLIZZARD

Will you look at that, so am I.

LILLY

Blizzard, don’t you have an enchanted staff that can do powerful magic? Right about now would be good for you to use that.

BLIZZARD

My staff can open a rift in the earth and send a shockwave of energy rippling across the battlefield, decimating hundreds of enemies and disorienting hundreds more in its radius.

MAX

That’s a surprising combination of incredibly powerful yet completely useless in our current situation.

BIGHEART

This can’t be how it ends. I’m prophesied to defeat Gravedeath and restore peace to the realm.