S1.E6: A Speech for the Ages

Lord Gravedeath rallies the troops and battles his own incompetence

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Gravedeath: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.

King’s Advisor: This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Commander of the Royal Army: The highlight of his career was getting one line in this episode.

Audience: That’s you.

EXT. THE DEEP, DARK WOODS

LILLY

Can someone remind me why we didn’t just take the main road?

BLIZZARD

Gravedeath has soldiers patrolling all roads that lead from the capital. By cutting through the forest we can avoid him and also dramatically decrease our odds of survival.

BIGHEART

I heard a strand of spiderweb is as strong as a strand of steel. If I walk through enough of these, I’ll have armor.

BLIZZARD

No need for me to worry about spiderwebs; using the power of magic I can pass through them like a ghost.

LILY

They’re all over your face, and you can’t fool people who already know you can’t do magic.

BLIZZARD

Argh, my only weakness!

BIGHEART

Knowledge?

BLIZZARD

Yes, Gnaw Ledge, the darkest abyss of the mind and sworn enemy of The Seption.

LILLY

It’s deception, and I’ve never heard that definition before.

BIGHEART

Must be hard for him to work his “magic” on people with critical thinking skills.

BLIZZARD

Ah yes, the Thing King, Dark Lord of Gnaw-Ledge and sworn enemy of The Seption.

BIGHEART

You have a lot of sworn enemies, don’t you?

LILLY

Can we be done with this conversation now? I can feel myself losing brain cells.

BLIZZARD

Don’t get me started on the Brain Cells. Once they lock you up down there, you’ll never escape.

BIGHEART

Hold on, do you guys hear something?

LILLY

Just Michael heavy-breathing next to me. Or maybe it’s Nichael, I can’t tell the difference. Actually it might be both of them.

MICHAEL/NICHAEL

In the dark we’re even more identical than usual.

BIGHEART

Why are one or both of you heavy-breathing?

MICHAEL/NICHAEL

Allergies.

BIGHEART

What are you allergic to?

MICHAEL/NICHAEL

All of it.

BIGHEART

The entire forest?

MICHAEL/NICHAEL

We think so.

BIGHEART

That’s not ideal for making as little noise as possible, which is what we should all be doing right now. Lilly, I really think I hear something and it’s not the two of them.

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GIANT SPIDER

Sorry, it’s the allergies.

LILLY

Spider, run!

BLIZZARD

Away, you wretched arachnid, before I summon the fury of a thousand spores and drown your pitiful lungs in pollen the likes of which your kind has not seen in eons! And if by some miracle of nature you survive, I will haunt the rest of your days, following you like a ghost, stopping your every sneeze with a finger under your nose until you beg for my permission to die!

GIANT SPIDER

Please have mercy, great wizard, and I swear to grant you safe passage.

BLIZZARD

Away with you, many-eyed demon!

BLIZZARD makes some movements with his hands that do absolutely nothing, but the GIANT SPIDER has already scurried away into the trees.

BIGHEART

I can’t believe that worked.

BLIZZARD

His kind have never been a match for those who follow the path of The Seption.

LILLY

It’s deception.

BLIZZARD

That’s what I said.

LILLY

Never mind. Whatever you want to call it, it worked like magic.

BLIZZARD

Exactly.

MICHAEL

I think that giant spider scared the allergies out of me.

NICHAEL

Me too, nothing like adrenaline to clear out the sinuses.

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BIGHEART

Now that we’ve narrowly evaded death on a complete bluff, can we talk about Gravedeath? How are we supposed to fight an entire army? And what if he beats us to the Object of Great Power? Also, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but why are all of you risking your lives for me?