S1.E4: Blizzard the Wizard

Meet Blizzard the Wizard, arcane master of the ancient art of making people believe he has magical powers

You’re reading Adventure Story, a loving parody of the fantasy genre. Don’t know where to start? Click here.

Adventure Story: Start Here

Bigheart: Young and handsome, he is about to discover that his compulsion for Doing The Right Thing is in direct contradiction to his core belief I Am Not A Hero. Spoiler alert: he’s the hero.

Gravedeath: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.

Michael and Nichael: Identical twins with witty tongues and an uncanny talent for providing comedic relief right when the audience might be in in danger of losing interest.

Lilly: She’s here for her clever quips — and to make Bigheart sexually frustrated

Blizzard the Wizard: He’s only as powerful as you believe him to be. So not very powerful.

Audience: That’s you.

EXT. APPROXIMATELY AROUND THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

LILLY

According to the Great Prophecy, a hero is destined to journey to the edge of the earth, claim the Object Of Great Power, and put an end to Lord Gravedeath’s oppressive reign. Something tells me that hero might be you, Bigheart

BIGHEART

But I’m no hero. I’m just a humble farm boy.

MICHAEL

That’s what they all say.

NICHAEL

Put a sword in his hand and he’ll be fulfilling prophecies in no time.

Suddenly there is a loud snap of branches followed by a dull thud. 

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

Ho! I, Blizzard the Wizard, the Averagely-Bearded, have arrived to guide young Bigheart on his quest.

LILLY

Did you just fall out of that tree?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

It’s been that kind of day. Don’t ask.

BIGHEART

A real live wizard! So you can do magic?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

No, but my enemies think I can. That’s the real magic of it, if you ask me.

BIGHEART

So you’re not a real wizard?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

Once, during a terrible storm in the middle of winter, I conjured a fierce blizzard which drove my enemies off and earned me my official Wizard Name.

BIGHEART

That just sounds like you and your enemies got caught in a winter storm at the same time.

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

Yes, but they believed I conjured it.

LILLY

And who exactly was “they”?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

It was a family of foxes, but let’s not get sidetracked. Bigheart needs a mentor, and being a wizard I have auspiciously appeared to him in his time of need. Coincidentally, I happened to be hiding in that tree when the branch broke just now.

BIGHEART

So my mentor is a fake wizard who just fell out of a tree? Who were you hiding from?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

Gravedeath, who else?

LILLY

What did Gravedeath do to you?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

He threatened to hang me for using a long coat and a home-made support apparatus to fake levitation in the town square.

BIGHEART

So you can’t levitate either.

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

No, but people think I can. That’s where the real mag-

LILLY

This is getting stupid. What do we need you for? Do you have any talents?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

I have an okay beard and small bag with bones in it.

LILLY

Do the bones do anything?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

No, but people think –

LILLY

Give me a break. The only difference between this guy and us is six months of facial hair and a stupid walking stick.

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

No, that’s my magic staff.

LILLY

Yeah, and let me guess, people think it does something.

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

It can open a rift in the earth and send a shockwave of energy rippling across the battlefield, decimating hundreds of enemies and disorienting hundreds more in its radius.

LILLY

Wait, actually?

BLIZZARD THE WIZARD

Of course. What’d you think I use it for, hiking?

LILLY

That settles it, you’re coming with us. What do you know about the Object of Great Power, which is our only hope to defeat Lord Gravedeath and restore peace to the realm?