S1.E15: Hero vs Villain

Gravedeath and Bigheart face off in an epic battle atop the highest point in the realm

You’re reading Adventure Story, a loving parody of the fantasy genre. Don’t know where to start? Click here.

Adventure Story: Start Here

Gravedeath: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.

King’s Advisor: This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Old Man: A cunning beggar-turned-knight masquerading as the Guardian of the Object of Great Power

Bigheart: Young and handsome, he is discovering that his compulsion for Doing The Right Thing is in direct contradiction to his core belief I Am Not A Hero. Spoiler alert: he’s the hero.

Lilly: She’s here for her sarcastic remarks and clever quips — and to make Bigheart sexually frustrated

Blizzard the Wizard: He’s only as powerful as you believe him to be. So not very powerful.

Lothki: A pathological liar cursed by a witch to watch berries drop from the sky every time he withholds the truth.

Miracle Max: A last-minute savior with a punctuality problem. That’s going to be an issue in her line of work.

RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD: A bloodthirsty blade that Bigheart pulled out of a puddle in a very easy version of the sword in the stone.

EXT. SOMEWHERE NEAR THE PEAK OF MOUNT MALDIAC. THE PARTY HAS CLIMBED ABOVE THE CLOUDS AND THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT.

LILLY

You know Bigheart, I have to say I’m impressed. I didn’t know you could fight like that.

MIRACLE MAX

Pulling a sword out of a puddle of water and obliterating five banshees in the span of thirty seconds is definitely one of the best last-minute rescues I’ve ever seen.

MICHAEL AND NICHAEL

Without you we would have been beheaded at exactly the same time, like all twins who die in battle.

BLIZZARD

Well done, young Bigheart. It seems your training is complete. I have nothing more to teach you.

BIGHEART

But you never trained me on swordsmanship…

BLIZZARD

Swordsmanship? Nonsense! Wizards don’t rely on such mundane skills. Under my guidance you have become so learned in the art of The Seption that you actually tricked yourself into thinking you could fight and kill five banshees. And it worked!

LILLY

It’s deception, Blizzard, for the millionth time.

BLIZZARD

That’s what I said.

BIGHEART’S TALKING SWORD

Aren’t you going to tell them it was all me?

BIGHEART

Am I going to tell them that my sword talks to me inside my head and tells me what moves to do? I don’t think that’s going to go very well.

BIGHEART’S TALKING SWORD

Your sword has an actual name, you know.

BIGHEART

Do we have to do this right now?

BIGHEART’S TALKING SWORD

Ruthless the Unbreakable, Shatterer of Spines, The Silent Reckoning, Maker and Breaker of Kings, Devourer of Life and Bane of Monsters, The Last Sentient Blade Forged from Ancient Dwarven Steel in the Furnaces of the Ancient Titans and Molded in the Image of the One True God Blade.

BIGHEART

That’s a mouthful. Let’s just go with Ruthless.

LOTHKI

We’ve made it to the top of the mountain, but I don’t see any Object of Great Power.

LILLY

There’s nothing up here but rock and ice.

BIGHEART

Maybe Gravedeath beat us to it.

MIRACLE MAX

I think it was a tie. Look over there.

Gravedeath emerges from the mist, clambering up the opposite side of the peak, followed by several dozen imperial soldiers. One of them appears to be about ninety years old.

GRAVEDEATH

Well well well, if it isn’t Bigheart, the boy of prophecy, come to test his fate at last.

BIGHEART

You’re too late, Gravedeath, the Object of Great Power isn’t here.

GRAVEDEATH

You forget your adversary, Bigheart. This old man you see next to me is the Guardian of the Object of Great Power, and I have won his favor by making him a knight in my Imperial Army.

OLD KNIGHT

That’s right, I am the Guardian of the Object of Great Power and most certainly not a beggar who lost his way coming down the mountain.

GRAVEDEATH

Oh noble Guardian, soon you will assume your True Form and show me the way to the Object of Great Power. But first, I will kill the boy and put an end to this pesky prophecy.

RUTHLESS

Another battle! What luck! Blood and gore and splintered bones, I can’t wait to begin!

BIGHEART

That makes one of us.

BLIZZARD

Stand back, Gravedeath! Bigheart is under my protection, and I am a Very Powerful Wizard. Test me and I will turn you into a bag of lemons, then vaporize them and drink the condensation myself, letting my stomach acid rip you to shreds before passing my water onto the snow where it will stay for eternity as a long, thin, pale yellow icicle with your remains trapped inside.

GRAVEDEATH

That was too elaborate, wizard. You’re bluffing.

BLIZZARD

He’s immune to The Seption. We’re doomed.

GRAVEDEATH

I have an entire army at my disposal but I think I’ll fight Bigheart one-on-one. I’m sure he won’t make a Surprising and Unexpected Escape.