S1.E13: The Sword and the Stoned

The party discovers that banshees are not very nice, and Bigheart gets to play hero for a day.

You’re reading Adventure Story, a loving parody of the fantasy genre. Don’t know where to start? Click here.

Adventure Story: Start Here

Bigheart: Young and handsome, he is discovering that his compulsion for Doing The Right Thing is in direct contradiction to his core belief I Am Not A Hero. Spoiler alert: he’s the hero.

Gravedeath: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.

Lilly: She’s here for her sarcastic remarks and clever quips — and to make Bigheart sexually frustrated

Blizzard the Wizard: He’s only as powerful as you believe him to be. So not very powerful.

Lothki: A devious trickster with a delicious tell, whose kyptonite is magic mushrooms.

Miracle Max: A last-minute savior with a punctuality problem. That’s going to be an issue in her line of work.

Banshees: Evil monsters out to kill anything that moves.

Sword: Sword.

Narrator: His accent is just foreign enough to let you know this story takes place in a fantasy world, but still native enough to be relatable.

Audience: That’s you.

EXT. EARLY MORNING, ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE DEEP, DARK WOODS, ON THE WAY TO MOUNT MALDIAC.

BLIZZARD

Bigheart, are the big brain berries you took working?

BIGHEART

I don’t know if working is the word I’d use, but I definitely had weird dreams.

BLIZZARD

Did you glean any wisdom from them?

BIGHEART

Something about Michael and Nichael wearing a scarf big enough for two people. I don’t know.

BLIZZARD

Ah yes, Highly Symbolic, young Bigheart. You may not know this about me but in addition to being a Powerful Wizard I am also Learned in the arts of Augury, Divination, and Dream Reading. Do you wish to know the meaning of your dream?

BIGHEART

I’m pretty sure the meaning is that you force-fed me mushrooms yesterday. Also, what on earth is Augury?

BLIZZARD

Superstitious birdwatching.

BIGHEART

Sorry I asked. So tell me the meaning of my dream.

BLIZZARD

No simple feat, reaching into the subconscious of another being and extracting their innermost thoughts, fears, and desires! Luckily for you, I have been practicing for decades. Your dream is simple - you fear that a giant snake will come devour your friends.

BIGHEART

That’s it?

BLIZZARD

That’s it.

LILLY

Good morning. What are you two whispering about?

BLIZZARD

High-level wizard talk. You don’t have magical powers, you wouldn’t understand .

LILLY

Bigheart doesn’t have magical powers either! Come on, Blizzard, don’t be a jerk.

BLIZZARD

Bigheart told me he dreamed about Michael and Nichael in a giant scarf.

BIGHEART

And Blizzard said it means I’m afraid a snake is going to eat my friends.

LILLY

Sorry I asked. So what’s our plan? Arrive at Mount Maldiac with absolutely no idea how to locate the Object of Great Power and just…improvise?

BLIZZARD

Exactly correct. But not so loud, the others will hear you.

Bigheart and company chart a perilous course across the snowy mountain ridges toward the base of the great Mount Maldiac. As the party climbs in altitude the snow becomes deep and the rocks turn icy. The journey is largely uneventful, but as the sun begins to pass out of sight behind the peaks, a bitter wind picks up.

MAX

Do you guys feel that? Unnatural drops in temperature are never a good sign.

LILLY

Something doesn’t feel right.

BLIZZARD

I’ll act nervous so the audience knows

LOTHKI

You guys aren’t afraid of banshees, right?

LILLY

You mean those evil, undead monsters that can sense your presence five miles away, move through solid objects, and scare you half to death with a single wail? Who would be afraid of those?

LOTHKI

That’s what I was hoping you would say.

BLIZZARD

I once challenged a banshee that was terrorizing a small farm village to a shouting match. Then I used magic to enlarge my vocal cords and project my voice so loudly that I shattered her undead ears and exploded her brain.

BIGHEART

Blizzard, that’s disgusting. Also, Lothki, why would you ask something like that?

LOTHKI

No reason.

LILLY

Lothki, banshees don’t actually exist, right? Those are just to scare little kids?

LOTHKI

I really wish I could lie to you right now, but Blizzard has been micro-dosing me all day.

A piercing shriek rings out across the frozen landscape.

MICHAEL/NICHAEL

Ow, our tinnitus.

BLIZZARD

Everyone, behind me! They won’t harm you if they see you are under a Wizard’s Protection.

LILLY

Are we under your protection?

BLIZZARD

Technically, yes.

BIGHEART

The way you say that doesn’t make me feel very protected.

MAX

You guys try your luck against the undead screamers. I’ll be over here sitting on this rock in case someone needs a last-minute rescue.

LILLY

Wouldn’t it be more useful if you actually joined from the start? You’re not exactly helping our odds by watching.

MAX

But then who would save you at the last minute?

LILLY

We wouldn’t need saving if you would just - oh, forget it, I don’t know why I even try.

BIGHEART

A pool of water on the other side of this rock, how interesting. It looks deep.

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Bigheart! Down here! Fulfill your destiny!

BIGHEART

Who said that? Fulfill my destiny? That sounds like a hero thing, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I’m not -

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Dammit Bigheart, shut up and get down here! I don’t care if you think you’re a hero or not.

BIGHEART

Who are you? My mother always told me to never jump into a pool of water with a stranger’s voice in it.

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Long story, no time to explain. Do you want to survive those banshees or not?

BIGHEART

I’m not jumping in there.

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Oh yes you are.

BIGHEART

You can’t make me!

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Typical hard-headed, pride-filled hero! Always the same!

BIGHEART

Classic lying, disembodied voice! And don’t call me a hero!

LILLY

Bigheart, why are you yelling at that puddle?

BIGHEART

Hi Lilly. That’s embarrassing. I didn’t know that was all happening out loud.

Several shrieks just like the first fill the air again, this time closer. Fear, like a sentient thing, invades each member of the party. From the cover of the swirling snow, a hideous woman appears. Half her face is missing, and she holds a bloodstained battle axe which grates on the frozen ground as it trails behind her. She lifts her face to the sky and screams again, and this time everyone else screams too, out of terror, running for cover behind the rocks.

BIGHEART

Ok, I’m coming in.

Bigheart, throwing away absolutely all logic and reason, dives head first into the pool of ice water. His corneas immediately freeze over, rendering him temporarily blind, something he didn’t even know was possible and certainly will never forget as long as he lives.

DISMBODIED VOICE

I forgot to mention that part.

BIGHEART

Argh, my eyes! What do I do now?

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Swim to the bottom and grab me!

BIGHEART

Excuse me?

DISEMBODIED VOICE

Just do it!

BIGHEART

I feel something down here…a handle…I think it’s a sword. There’s nothing else down here, where are you?

DISEMBODIED VOICE

I’m the sword, dammit! Pick me up and get back up to the surface before the Audience starts complaining that you could never hold your breath that long in real life

THE AUDIENCE

He could never hold his breath that long in real life….

Bigheart breaks the surface of the water, miraculously avoiding hypothermic shock due to the fact that he is the Hero of This Story, and his vision slowly returns. All around him is chaos. Five hideous banshees are engaged in battle with the members of the party, and it’s not looking good. Lilly is pinned against a wall of ice, her weapon lying useless on the ground. Blizzard is spinning in circles and roaring incantations that are ineffective and probably completely made up. Michael and Nichael are huddled against a rock with their hands over their ears while a banshee towers over them, poised to go for the kill.

Max, seeing her friends in need of last minute rescue, jumps up from her perch and slips on a patch of ice, sprawling onto the ground and tumbling down the slope of the mountain, landing right at Bigheart’s feet.

BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD

Talk about fighting a losing battle. Bigheart, let’s get out of here.

BIGHEART

I’m not abandoning my friends. Plus, what about all that “fulfill your destiny” stuff you said earlier?

BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD

Oh please, I say that to everyone. Do you know how long I’ve been wasting away at the bottom of that pool of water? Centuries, Bigheart, centuries!

BIGHEART

You used me….

BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD

I did. Now, if you’re going to be stubborn and stay and fight, then it’s time for you to use me too.

BIGHEART

The only thing I know how to fight is garden pests. I’m just a lowly farm boy. I’m not a hero.

BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD

Lucky for you I was forged by titans in an active volcano and imbued with ancient magic. I’m fireproof, shatter-proof, monster-proof, and fool-proof. You could be the worst swordsman in the land and all your blows would still be on target. Now let’s go murder some banshees.

Bigheart steps forward toward the banshee standing over the twins, takes one swing, and splits it at the waist like a stalk of celery. The second one turns away from Lilly and rushes him with inhuman speed; he sidesteps, brings his blade around in a graceful arc, and filets it down the middle. Both halves bounce in unison when they hit the frozen ground, which is totally gross and provides the Audience with shock value they didn’t know they needed.

THE AUDIENCE

We will spend the rest of the evening trying to un-see that.

BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD

Now we’re talking! Roll the next one’s head before it can freeze you with its breath!