S1.E12: Big Brain Berries

Blizzard uses alternative methods to encourage Bigheart to unlock 100% of his brain

You’re reading Adventure Story, a loving parody of the fantasy genre. Don’t know where to start? Click here.

Adventure Story: Start Here

Bigheart: Young and handsome, he is discovering that his compulsion for Doing The Right Thing is in direct contradiction to his core belief I Am Not A Hero. Spoiler alert: he’s the hero.

Gravedeath: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.

Lilly: She’s here for her sarcastic remarks and clever quips — and to make Bigheart sexually frustrated

Blizzard the Wizard: He’s only as powerful as you believe him to be. So not very powerful.

Lothki: A devious trickster with a delicious tell.

Miracle Max: A last-minute savior with a punctuality problem. That’s going to be an issue in her line of work.

NARRATOR: His accent is just foreign enough to let you know this story takes place in a fantasy world, but still native enough to be relatable.

AUDIENCE: That’s you.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN THE DEEP DARK WOODS AND THE MOUNTAINS THAT THE AUTHOR WAS TOO LAZY TO THINK OF A GOOD NAME FOR.

NARRATOR

Bigheart and company finally manage to make their way out of the Deep Dark Woods without being Devoured, Suffocated, or Otherwise Forcefully Removed from the Realm of the Living. As the trees thin, the ground slopes upward; beyond the forest lie the mountains. With Miracle Max and Lothki now on board, they must focus their attention on the task at hand: finding the Object of Great Power before Lord Gravedeath does.

BIGHEART

How do we know if we’re going the right way? Does anybody have a map?

BLIZZARD

A Wizard needs no map, young Bigheart. A Wizard navigates by instinct. And in my case, also by the words of the Great Prophecy which states: Heroes and Villains will search High and Low for the Prize, but it can only be seen through Kind Hearted Eyes.

LILLY

High and Low. It doesn’t get much lower than sinking into a swamp; it makes sense for us to search up high in the mountains next.

BLIZZARD

Yes, but the question remains, who is Kind Heart and what’s so special about his eyes?

LILLY

You’re taking the prophecy too literally, Blizzard. Kind-hearted means good. Like Bigheart.

BIGHEART

When you look at me like that it makes me want to kiss you.

LILLY

When I look at you like what?

BIGHEART

When you look at me at all.

LILLY

Okie-dokie. Can we stay focused here?

BIGHEART

Sorry. So according to the prophecy, we need to search in a high place next?

BLIZZARD

Not only that, young Bigheart, we ourselves need to be high.

LILLY

Blizzard, that’s not in the prophecy. Also, where did you get those mushrooms?

BLIZZARD

I’ve been gathering them at night. If I can get Bigheart to eat one, he just might Connect to his Higher Self and have a Clairvoyant Vision or Powerful Epiphany that will lead us to the Object of Great Power.

LILLY

Or, he might become Extremely Paranoid and experience Intense Hallucinations and become Completely Useless To Us. Blizzard, this is a Terrible Idea.

BLIZZARD

A Wizard never has Terrible Ideas. Bigheart, it’s time for you to use 100% of your brain. Open up!

NARRATOR

Blizzard forces a Hallucinogenic Mushroom of Unknown Potency into Bigheart’s open mouth. Bigheart is surprised at first, then shrugs, chews, and swallows.